Sunday, January 26, 2014

Placebo Mentoring


    

    You may have heard about the "Placebo Effect." Giving somebody a placebo is like giving them a harmless substitute for medicine. The desired outcome is the psychological belief that they will benefit physiologically. Placebo Mentoring is like feeding somebody sugar pills of positive affirmations.

Your desire as a mentor is to cause psychological changes in the belief system of your mentoree. Here are some possible placebo phrases:


I'm proud of you!
I believe in you!
You are really improving!
Good job!
You made a difference!
You are a fast learner!

I'm sure you get the idea. Mentors should be people who have a passion for being positive and expressing that positivity through their affirmations.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

At Mentor Force, we are Mentor Trainers.
Please contact us if we can help your Teachers, Coaches, Youth Leaders or Mentors  learn how to build life changing relationships with young people.
ywapbuffalo@yahoo.com
716-830-8240
Our guide on mentoring called Mentorology is available on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Mentorology-Volume-One-Building-Mentorship/dp/1494395851

Friday, January 24, 2014

How Long Do I Mentor Part 2

Trying to mentor someone who doesn't like you can be like making an hour glass go backwards.
          Hopefully you will have a pretty good idea of what is expected of you as a mentor before you begin. If you are being sponsored by a particular organization who understands the mentoring process, they will adhere to the best practices of mentoring. This means they will give you a mentoring assignment that fits your personality and capability.

          You should not be obligated to continue mentoring somebody if you are like oil and water. Sometimes it happens that personalities do not mesh. Trying to get along with somebody when they do not like you can be detrimental to the mentoring process. If you are both adults, please be honest and candid as to not waste each others time. If you are working with a young person, be honest and then let your sponsoring supervisor know as soon as possible.

          In certain situations you may want to advise someone to seek professional counseling. Unless you are a trained and professional counselor, you may be well advised to sever the relationship if the need is overwhelming or dangerous. Never try and be someone that you are not, no matter how much you want to help.

          Mentoring is generally done for a specified amount of time. It can be extended or shortened based on the needs or relationship with the mentoree. Don't give up too early based on the unresponsiveness of the mentoree. Be prepared to work hard to gain trust and build the relationship. Many times young people have been rejected or abandoned and their trust level is very low or nonexistent. If your gut really tells you to stop the mentoring relationship, please do so.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.


Please contact us if we can help you teach your mentors the best way to build mentoring relationships. ywapbuffalo@yahoo.com
www.youthwithapurpose.org





Wednesday, January 22, 2014

How Long Do I Mentor? Part 1



How long does it take to change a life?
As the Founder of a Mentoring organization that has been in Buffalo for over 12 years, we believe that long term mentoring is the best case scenario. In some cases, we have mentored young people for over 10 years - and they still need guidance. You may not have 10 years, so how long should you plan on mentoring somebody?

One of the drawbacks in the traditional mentoring model is the inability for a mentor to continue the relationship for extended periods of time. This can be particularly damaging, especially if a young person has a history of abandonment or rejection in their lives. A good antidote to the problem of not having enough mentors is to form a mentoring collaborative. That's the goal of Mentor Force.

We all need mentors. Most of us are busy in many areas and life changes quickly. Mentoring is a commitment that should be taken deadly serious. I used the term "deadly" on purpose because here in the City of Buffalo we have seen too many young men die as a result of violence and too few mentors. Please be aware that you can do more harm than good by not fulfilling your word as a mentor. Do not step onto the mentoring playing field unless you can finish the game.

Several avenues of mentoring can be traveled over short periods of time. A business mentor, coach or teacher may have somebody mentor them for as few as 3 months, 6 months or a year. If you are guiding a young person in a a one on one mentoring initiative, I would strongly suggest extending your relationship for at least a year. It takes time to build a relationship. It takes commitment, compassion and perseverance to really make a difference in someone. Whatever the length of your mentoring relationship, be open and honest about how much time you have to share and your goals for the relationship.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Please contact us if we can help you teach your mentors the best way to build mentoring relationships. ywapbuffalo@yahoo.com

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Redirected Aggression

We recently introduced another cat into our household. My wife and I got married last year and her cat moved in with mine. The cats do not get along as well as my wife and I do. Right now they are living behind separate doors, speaking to each other through hissing and snarling. My cat whom I have had for over 8 years has not only attacked the other cat, she has also attacked both my wife and myself.

Through research, we have found that an animal will attack anything in its sight - animal or human when it is agitated. The animal brain does not discern the cause of the irritation, it simply attacks. The term for this behavior is called; "redirected aggression." We have to recognize the agitated state of the cat and react accordingly. We are still seeking expert help in dealing with this interruption of the peace in our home. The cat is unaware of its behavior and punishment would only serve to exacerbate the bad behavior.

After mentoring thousands of children, I have been the target of  "redirected aggression" in countless situations. Young men who have grown up without a father hold a grudge against males in positions of authority. Young women who have been abused by men grow up with a mistrust and sometimes a vehemence bordering on hatred towards men. As a mentor, my passion is to help them value themselves and other human beings. Healing must take place or otherwise the "wounded will wound others." Hurting people hurt people. Life experience has caused their view of adults to become tainted. The lack of love in their lives may have rendered their immature minds incapable of dealing with the pain that has caused their redirected aggression.

There are many labels we place on people to explain their behavior. The greatest label is the one that we ourselves as mentors wear and it's called compassion. Protecting ourselves from attacks and removing the cause of the attack is natural. It's hard to "turn the other cheek." Understanding that a young mind is not yet fully formed will help you withstand onslaughts of redirected aggression. Stay safe, be prepared and show compassion. Use wisdom when dealing with a misbehaving child. The misbehavior may be a cry for help.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebdy.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Risk or REWARD


If you never take a risk you will never receive a reward. The biggest risk in mentoring is in giving up your desire for a reward - that's how you receive the biggest reward!

Most of the folks in a child's life; teachers, coaches, neighbors or mentors rarely get to see the fruit of their labors regarding children. You will never know when your words of wisdom that you spoke into a young heart will grow. By taking a risk and speaking positive words to a child when they seem indifferent at best, you are planting seeds in an unknown future. Those seeds will take root and begin to grow and you may never see it.

If you need a pat on the back, here it is:

 "GOOD JOB! 
WE APPRECIATE YOU!
 YOU HAVE BOLDLY GONE WHERE 
FEW MENTORS HAVE GONE BEFORE. 
YOU TOOK A RISK WITHOUT REGARD 
TO A REWARD AND MADE A DIFFERENCE
 IN 100% OF THE FUTURE - CHILDREN! 
THANK YOU!

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Let Children Raise Their Own Bar



A mentor is a potentiator who guides a mentoree into reaching their potential. The first step in the mentoring process is building a trusting relationship. The second step is setting expectations for each other. 

Expectations are good indicators of future behaviors. Expecting children to achieve what they are capable of helps them reach their potential. Those expectations must be clearly stated - repeatedly!

For over 6 years, Youth With A Purpose Inc. has taken young people on Wilderness Treks into the Adirondack Mountains. We expect that every young person will make the top of the mountain. There has only been one crew who did not make the top and they were stopped by a blizzard. Every other young person did something that they had never done before. Most said it was the hardest thing they ever had to do.

Yes, as mountain guides we are motivators but we set expectations. We believe that the young people eventually motivate themselves. Have you told a child how smart they are? Have you shared with them the benefits of struggling to succeed? When I ask 7th Graders if I have their permission to treat them as college students, almost all of them accept the challenge. I let them know that they are as capable as college students of grasping material that was designed for college age adults. They are guided into a higher bar of expectations for themselves and they reach that bar!

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody. 
If you would like a mentoring mountain experience call us: 716-830-8240
 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What is a Mentor?

Mentors are a compass who guide folks over the terrain of life.

A Mentor is someone who guides a group or an individual
 into greater learning that will produce an even greater teaching.

Experience worth duplicating is a mentoring prerequisite.

Guiding is the key phrase. One of the best mentoring techniques is the ability to ask questions that guide the mentoree into personal reflection and decision making that they own.

An experienced guide will reproduce positive opportunities that are sustainable by teaching others.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Friday, January 10, 2014

BURNOUT - As the Mentor Burns

A burned out skunk has lost his fragrance!


        When you pour your whole heart, mind and strength into somebody, you will get burned out. Compassion can leak out of your boots if you are not careful. Burnout happens to everybody. People who pour their lives into children are likely to soak up the pain of those children and become highly susceptible to burnout. Can you avoid burnout? Can you remove burnout?

          Avoiding burnout is like trying to skip winter. Burnout is one of the seasons of life. As a mentor, you are the sunrise in a young persons life. You rise early and shine brilliantly as you push high into the heavens until you peak around noon and then you begin to fall until you fade into a sunset. I won't belabor you with more metaphors of seasonal change. You need to know that burnout is inevitable for someone whose heart is lit by a fire of compassion. The first step in dealing with burnout is the recognition that it will happen.

          Identifying burnout can be a challenge. Most of us work very hard on a daily basis. We are tired at the end of a day. Normal fatigue is not burnout, a good nights rest and some downtime will help rejuvenate your mind and body for another day. Can you recognize the beginning of burnout? Most folks don't have a clue they are burned out until they are reeling in mental exhaustion. Everyone needs an honest accountability partner. People who will be quick to step in and tell you that you need to rest. Schools should have accountability teams who help each other recognize the symptoms of burnout amongst their members. Hopefully a husband or wife would help each other through particularly difficult seasons. Choose friends (yes you need friends,) and make them aware of the fact that you need them to be brutally honest in your relationship and hold you accountable in your personal habits.

          Dealing with burnout might sound hard but you have to deal with it or it might destroy you or worse, it might cause you to destroy the spirit of a hurting child. Please admit that you need time off. Take a walk, take a vacation, take a leave of absence or take another job. All of those actions are perfectly acceptable. If you find that you cannot keep up with the emotional demands of being a mentor or teacher, that's okay - move on before you burn out of control. For everything there is a season. You cannot stay in a sunrise and you don't want to stay in a sunset.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Drug Dealers, Hummingbirds & Gangs

           

     Most folks probably wouldn't think that a hummingbird would have many predators. What could possibly catch something that has wings that can beat up to 200X a second, or fly backwards or dive at speeds up to 60 mph. There are a few predators who can catch a hummer.

          My wife and I watched a National Geographic Special last night about a hummingbird that actually builds its nest near a predator. The reason is, the predator is not fast enough to catch the hummer and its presence keeps other smaller predators away. Tree rodents like squirrels and chipmunks will not steal eggs from the hummers nest because they themselves would be eaten by the hawk.

          In some mentoring situations you may encounter dangerous individuals. Drug dealers and gang members need to be mentored like everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, these folks do not hide in sewers and live in gutters. They live and breathe where the rest of us do. If you can gain their confidence, they just might be the predator who will protect you.

          Some things are more easily spoken than they are actually put into practice. It takes time to build a relationship of trust with anybody. A mentor has to know their limitations! Young people are very good at recognizing who is worthy of their trust. Playing basketball is a good way of building rapport. If you gain the trust of some leaders, you just might be able to open their hearts enough to plant a seed of hope for a better future. If you feel like you are in danger and you are uncomfortable - LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!

 Mentoring comes in all shapes and sizes. 
Be compassionate and committed in the mentoring size that fits you.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Mentor Whisperer

    
    
          A horse whisperer is someone who builds rapport and trust with a horse through patient communication. Reading body language and understanding the moods of the horse comes from spending quality time with the horse.

          The Mentor Whisperer follows the same concepts. By caring enough to invest time in understanding the habits of your mentoree, you will be better able to guide them. A mentor is a guide who studies and learns as they are guiding. If you have not studied the habits of horses, you would not be a very good horse whisperer. Study people, learn about the best whispering practices for mentors.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Monday, January 6, 2014

In the Shade of a Mentoring Tree

 There is an ancient Greek Proverb that says:

 “A society grows great when old men plant trees 
whose shade they know they shall never sit in.”

 

Mentoring Truths

           In a Mentoring society there are many trees. Each mentor can't be everything for their mentoree. The greater the network of mentors - the greater the shade for the mentorees.

          A mentors job is to help students become learners with a desire to become teachers. A mentor driven by compassion will infect mentorees with a passion to spread gratitude by serving others.

          Duplicity in sharing pays dividends of sustainability through a foundation of multiplied contributions. Mentors teach forward. Mentor unto others as others have mentored unto you.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

What is a MENTOR FORCE?

         
          A Mentor Force is made up of every person with a vested interest in helping other folks reach their fullest potential.
 IT'S YOU! 

          Mentor Force is not one organization comprised of a few mentors who mentor a few folks. Mentor Force is similar to a police force. A city wide group of people who have the best interests of its citizens in mind.

          To be an effective Mentor Force requires effective planning through effective unity. This is the Year of the Mentor in Buffalo. Get involved, be effective and be part of a unified community.

          Our goal is to partner with all mentors and mentoring organizations with the common goal of providing a mentor for every student in Buffalo. We are here to empower young people to become life long learners who are self sustainable and contributing members of society.

          Please contact us so we can include you or your organization as we build a Buffalo Mentor Force.

ywapbuffalo@yahoo.com

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

If you are interested in knowing more about mentoring, we have written a book that will give you some valuable insight.
http://www.amazon.com/Mentorology-Volume-One-Building-Mentorship/dp/1494395851

Saturday, January 4, 2014

CAN ELEPHANTS RAISE THE GRADUATION RATE IN BUFFALO?


          An elephant has a REALLY BIG BRAIN! Studies have shown that the elephants brain is the largest of any land mammal on planet earth. Although it weighs more than a human brain, the elephant's brain increases in learning ability as it grows just like a human brain. Do bigger brains contain more knowledge? If we put bigger brains in Buffalo classrooms would we increase the graduation rate?

          Although being much larger in mass, the elephants brain is smaller than a human brain in proportion to its size. The male elephant has a larger brain than the female elephant in mass but not in proportion to body size. The female is more of a nurturer in caring for her young. The males are more aloof and independent while the females interact socially and form close knit bonds. That sounds eerily like the lifestyle that we witness on inner city streets; independent males, children dependent on females.

          Elephants have been observed mourning and grieving their dead. They pick up bones and hold them tenderly. They cover body parts with leaves. Elephants will even stop and remove bones from the trail and hide them. Elephants will mourn for days in what could only be described as a funeral process. The elephants also take care of the sick among them. They are very emotional creatures who demonstrate their affections in many ways.  

          Human beings are generally understood to be deeply emotional people. We are supposed to hurt for each other and help each other. Sadly, in the inner city it seems like it's more like a "survival of the meanest" mentality. Schools are constantly in "anti-bully" mode. Neighborhoods have cameras at most intersections taking snapshots of anti-social behavior. In gang violence, there are no emotions. It's like a Mafia culture where someone tells you: "It's nothing personal, it's strictly business" as they put a bullet in your brain. The size of your brain doesn't matter. I wonder, is it the shape of the brain that matters?

           Adolescence is a time of exponential growth for children. Their brains will grow larger but the most important component in the growth appears to be the shape of the brains growth. Synapses are the connections between brain cells or neurons. Some connections disappear through not being used and others are strengthened though experience. The experiences of inner city students are less learning conducive that their suburban counterparts; poverty, violence and prejudice are norms.

          The brain of an adolescent has the same scholarly ability as an adult. That same brain is not developed in the areas of goal setting, decision making and planning. The adolescent brain is also being bombarded by hormonal missiles that affect connections between brain cells. It would be fair to say that children may be physically developed while the brain is still in the shaping process. So how do we shape the brains of children? Maybe a better question would be: Do we shape the educational curriculum around the un-shapeliness of the children?

          Creating learning experiences that combine the core curriculum with social/emotional learning opportunities will increase the likelihood of children becoming lifelong learners. We cannot insert elephants into our city schools. The size of our brains is less important than how they are shaped. Learning potential and learning capacity are 2 distinctly different intellectual measurements. Given an a nurturing learning environment, those 2 measurements may reach an unlimited equality in time. Potential is the yet unreached ability of a student. Capacity is the retention and understanding in the present moment. All students have unlimited potential. Teaching children and grading them only on their current academic capacity may prevent them from reaching future potential.  

          Young male elephants without adult male role models have been documented as troublemakers. They became violent, intimidating and disruptive to their neighbors. When adult  males were brought in, the young males behavior took on positive changes.*  Mentoring will change the the shape of the young brains in our city schools and raise the graduation rate.


Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.      

Sources:
*Information taken from a "60 Minutes" episode entitled: "The Delinquents."


Teen Brain Under Construction http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml


Picture and information gleaned from:
http://www.animalcorner.co.uk/wildlife/elephants/elephant_anatomy.html



JJ/SDG/rlk

Friday, January 3, 2014

MENTOR CANDLING


How do you measure the development of the person you are mentoring?

          Egg candling is the process of putting a light behind an egg to observe the insides of the egg. This was originally done with candles by farmers who wanted to observe the growth and development of the egg.

          In a good mentoring relationship. the heart of the mentor will become like a light behind the heart of the mentee. Your heart, your transparency and your commitment will become a spotlight on the heart of the person you are mentoring. Your relationship with your mentee should cause them to shout:
"It's my time to shine!"
Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.