Mentoring In Emotional Storms

"Rain, rain go away,
Mentor come again
some other day."

         A Mentor will have emotionally rainy days when you'll need an umbrella of stability. The storms that a Mentor will face are generally incubated in the "atmos-fear" of the heart. Clouds will roll into the heart of a child in the form of negative life events resulting in "heart-humidity" or a heavy heart. If the heart continues to accumulate greater degrees of humidity, the "atmos-fear" begins to develop a rain storm of anger and frustration. Mood changes can happen quickly and cause chaos.
     Life-rain is composed of many droplets of activity than can destroy or nurture. Destruction can be turned into a new opportunity for growth in a greater way. How does a quick rain storm suddenly appear?

"Michael Wilkinson, Bernhard Mehlig and Vlad Bezuglyy explain how quick showers can result from a dramatic increase in the collision rate of microscopic water droplets when the turbulence intensity in the atmosphere exceeds a threshold. Their theory, published in a recent issue of Physical Review Letters, suggests that the collision rate suddenly increases when the velocity of the water droplets as a function of position forms “caustics,” becoming a multi-valued function. When particles at the same position are moving with different velocities, the probability for collision is greatly enhanced." Read more at: http://phys.org/news74873917.html#jCp¹

Let me attempt to rephrase that statement regarding a quick rain storm into a description of what people go through:

"When the turbulence intensity in the atmos-fear of a human heart exceeds the threshold of emotional tolerance, the velocity of volatility is increased until outbursts of fear, anger or sadness boil over into a storm of hopelessness."  

(Some folks get angry and blow their top when too many anxieties converge at once.)

How do you recognize the emotional rain clouds building in another person? If you allow yourself to "be present" with your Mentoree, you will have a greater relationship that allows you to sense their emotional state. Here are some signs to watch for:

1. They may simply start telling you all of their problems frantically.
2. Someone who acts agitated, depressed, moody or unable to concentrate.
3. Negative speech patterns expressing the desire to hurt oneself or commit suicide. 
4. Acting withdrawn or hopeless.
5. Displaying explosive anger.

          If you have a good relationship with someone and you know them well, you'll be able to pick up on potential emotional problems quite easily. If your relationship is just beginning it will be a bit harder. Being able to read emotional weather patterns takes time and study. Emotional problems that are not dealt with have the potential to develop into a storm. This chapter is designed to make you aware of the need to understand emotional weather patterns and their potentially volatile tendencies. In the next chapter we'll give you some tips on dealing with some emotional issues that may help you calm the brewing storm.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Bob Kuebler

Founder / Mentor Force

Mentor Force is an organization of initiators.
We help young people who are at risk of leading impoverished and violent lives.
We teach teachers, mentors, coaches, parents and youth leaders how to build healthy relationships that make young people feel valued.

Our goal is to ensure that every student has the benefit of being guided by a Mentor.

 If we can help you reach your potential as a Mentoring organization please contact us: 716-830-8240 

 mentorforcebuffalo@gmail.com. 

www.youthwithapurpose.org

We are available for school assemblies and educator conferences.      

References
¹  http://phys.org/news74873917.html

THE SCARED MENTOR

          

Embracing fear enables you to see from new heights.

      Fear is universal, sparing no human being who has a heart beat. Fear can be healthy or destructive. Mentors who develop a healthy balance between compassion and healthy fear will create a nurturing emotional environment for Mentorees. 

          Examine the following list of actions. Most would cause fear in some of us. Fear may be universal and yet fear isn't equal in the sense of what causes fear.

• Climbing on a cliff without a rope. 
• Standing on the railroad tracks facing an oncoming train.
• Walking on a dark street in a city known for violence. 
• Someone you love abandons or rejects you.
• You have to mentor a child labelled with Antisocial Personality Disorder.
• Death, Divorce, Disease, Bankruptcy.
• Speaking in public.
• Getting a speeding ticket.
• Being accepted.
• Beginning a new relationship.
• The child you are mentoring dies violently.
• Your reputation might be tarnished due to a failed mentoring relationship.

          Some folks are perfectly comfortable on a cliff without a rope, walking city streets or speaking in public. It doesn't matter how you feel fear, it matters how you prepare and deal with fear when it happens. Fear can be passive, active or constantly shifting between the two. I won't bother to describe active fear because you'll know when you're scared by the perceived dangers on the battlefields in your mind. Here is the definition of the word passive as taken from Dictionary.com¹:

Passive
adjective
1.not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.

2. not participating readily or actively; inactive:
a passive member of a committee.
3. not involving visible reaction or active participation:
to play a passive role.
4. inert or quiescent.
5. influenced, acted upon, or affected by some external force, cause, 

or agency; being the object of action rather than causing action (opposed to active ).
6. ­­receiving or characterized by the reception of impressions 

or influences from external sources.
7. produced or caused by an external agency.

          Thinking about your fear of heights is passive. If you're planning on a mountain trek where you'll be exposed to new heights, your fear will begin to advance towards the stage of fear activation. A "Scared Mentor" can cause emotional damage to themselves and others when their fear becomes active. There are steps that you can take to deal with your fears.

"Know thyself."

BE PREPARED

There is an ancient Greek word; "gnosis" which means knowledge. A deeper meaning for the word is "intimate knowledge" or "knowledge from experience." Do you have an intimate knowledge of yourself? Do you know the root causes of your behaviors? Do you carry unresolved generational wounds from your family? You have to know your limitations. In the Movie; "Dirty Harry," Clint Eastwood plays a cop who is considered controversial, reckless and dangerous. Here are some quotes by Harry Calahan taken from Wickiquote,² my words are in parenthesis:

• "A man's got to know his limitations." (Set boundaries.)

• "Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot."                    (Don't shoot other people when you are trying to conquer your own fears.)

• "This is a 44. Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It can blow your head clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question, Do I feel lucky?"      (Fear can be the most powerful weapon in the world.)

          You really need to know your roots and the fruit that'll grow from your emotional tree. Will there be fear in your foliage? Know your limitations and set boundaries. If you're not comfortable on city streets then don't go there without someone who has a "city street gnosis." There are fears that you can overcome, please don't conquer them at the expense of others. If you end up angry at a young person on the city streets, that anger has the potential to start a riot.
          What do you do when you are faced with the fear of working with a child who has been described as being anti-social? Treat them like any other child! All children are gifted and talented and deserve equal amounts of love. Many times we put labels on children who are reflecting the character that has been forced upon them at home. Injustice is not discriminatory in choosing which child to visit. Lack of compassion may be a generational scourge that becomes a burden laced with fear for a child. Be patient and don't give up. Seek out their particular uniqueness and help them flourish. Mentoring is a long term commitment. 
      Study to show yourself approved as a Mentor. You'll avoid fears that you can't overcome. You'll help others become overcomers by the fears you do overcome. 

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Bob Kuebler

Founder / Mentor Force

Mentor Force is an organization of initiators.
We help young people who are at risk of leading impoverished and violent lives.
We teach teachers, mentors, coaches, parents and youth leaders how to build healthy relationships that make young people feel valued.

Our goal is to ensure that every student has the benefit of being guided by a Mentor.

 If we can help you reach your potential as a Mentoring organization please contact us: 716-830-8240 

 mentorforcebuffalo@gmail.com. 

www.youthwithapurpose.org

We are available for school assemblies and educator conferences.      

References

¹http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/passive

²http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Magnum_Force

The Drowning Mentor

Accountability partners can save you when you're overwhelmed.

          Drowning is the cause of death for thousands of people every year. According to the Center for Disease Control, drowning is the fifth leading cause of death unintentional injury deaths in the United States.¹ Several years ago I watched a man save a 2 yr old girl who was drowning in a small pool at a hotel. In the midst of a large group of people, no one noticed her struggling until it was almost too late. A Man grabbed her and immediately initiated CPR, the little girl survived. Unfortunately many thousands of people drown every year.
          There is a wealth of preventative information posted on the CDC Website. They mention several key focus areas that can help prevent drowning. Here is some helpful information to help keep you and your family safe around water:
Tips to help you stay safe in the water

• Supervise When in or Around Water. Designate a responsible adult to watch young children while in the bath and all children swimming or playing in or around water. Supervisors of preschool children should provide “touch supervision”, be close enough to reach the child at all times. Because drowning occurs quickly and quietly, adults should not be involved in any other distracting activity (such as reading, playing cards, talking on the phone, or mowing the lawn) while supervising children, even if lifeguards are present.
• Use the Buddy System. Always swim with a buddy. Select swimming sites that have lifeguards when possible.
• Seizure Disorder Safety. If you or a family member has a seizure disorder, provide one-on-one supervision around water, including swimming pools. Consider taking showers rather than using a bath tub for bathing. Wear life jackets when boating.
• Learn to Swim. Formal swimming lessons can protect young children from drowning. However, even when children have had formal swimming lessons, constant, careful supervision when children are in the water, and barriers, such as pool fencing to prevent unsupervised access, are still important.
• Learn Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR). In the time it takes for paramedics to arrive, your CPR skills could save someone’s life.
• Air-Filled or Foam Toys are not safety devices. Don’t use air-filled or foam toys, such as "water wings", "noodles", or inner-tubes, instead of life jackets. These toys are not life jackets and are not designed to keep swimmers safe.
• Avoid Alcohol. Avoid drinking alcohol before or during swimming, boating, or water skiing. Do not drink alcohol while supervising children.
• Don’t let swimmers hyperventilate before swimming underwater or try to hold their breath for long periods of time. This can cause them to pass out (sometimes called “shallow water blackout”) and drown.
• Know how to prevent recreational water illnesses. For more information about illnesses from recreational water, see the More Information section below.
• Know the local weather conditions and forecast before swimming or boating. Strong winds and thunderstorms with lightning strikes are dangerous.²

Mentor Force is a team of accountability partners.

          Have you ever felt overwhelmed as a Mentor? Have you ever felt like you were drowning in an ocean of deep responsibility? Let's copy some of the safety tips for preventing drowning and paste them into a plan to help prevent Mentor Drowning.

1. Use the Mentoring Buddy System. You should always have an accountability partner who is honest enough to speak truth that might be uncomfortable. If you have too many things going on in your life that are causing you to burn out (or drown,) it may be time to step back and let somebody else take your place. A Mentor needs to learn how to relieve stress. An accountability partner will help let you know that you are under stress. Most of us do not recognize burnout until we are already smoldering in exhaustion.
2. Report to a Supervisor. Regular reporting to a Supervisor will help identify any potentially troubling areas for you and your Mentoree. 
3. Be Prepared. Part of forming a healthy relationship is identifying any possible weaknesses that can cause collapse. If you have just mentored a person who has consumed you emotional energy and left you depleted, do not step right into another heavy relationship. You need to be prepared for each episode in your life. If one episode consumes too much energy, you need to take a break and get rejuvenated.
4. Be Alert for Potential Dangers. Alcohol and drug use, illegal and prescription have the potential to alter your ability to think clearly. If you feel lousy and you pop a pill to get through your mentoring session, will the pill cause you to be less coherent?
5. Know the Mentoring Weather Conditions. Emotions are like shifting sands and breaking waves. Moods can be volatile, erupting at the lightest agitation. Give yourself a moment to collect your thoughts and examine your emotional state before you meet with another person. Do you have a handle on your emotions or is there a potential storm brewing?

          Take some time to keep your family safe around water, drowning can happen to anybody. Take some time to ensure that your emotional health is ready to be a Mentor. Thousands of children die or go to prison every year. Building a solid Mentor Force is a powerful measure of protection.

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Bob Kuebler

Founder / Mentor Force

Mentor Force is an organization of initiators.
We help young people who are at risk of leading impoverished and violent lives.
We teach teachers, mentors, coaches, parents and youth leaders how to build healthy relationships that make young people feel valued.

Our goal is to ensure that every student has the benefit of being guided by a Mentor.

 If we can help you reach your potential as a Mentoring organization please contact us: 716-830-8240 

 mentorforcebuffalo@gmail.com. 

www.youthwithapurpose.org

We are available for school assemblies and educator conferences.      

References

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) [online]. [cited 2012 May 3]. Available from: URL: http://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars.
2. http://www.cdc.gov/homeandrecreationalsafety/water-safety/waterinjuries-factsheet.html

MENTORS, HOODIES & PIT BULLS

Some folks create their own mental profiles about people. 
They make generalizations related to skin color, religion, 
weight, neighborhood and how they wear their hoodie. 
A Mentor believes that all "hoods are created
 with equal opportunity to succeed."

          Pit bulls can be very dangerous dogs. A poodle can be a very dangerous dog. Danger comes in various sizes and breeds. Dogs do not breed themselves to be dangerous. There are certain character traits in animals that would give them a greater propensity to become vicious. Humans breed a greater viciousness in animals. The ownership of pit bulls has been legislated as illegal in many areas. Here's an example from Florida:

Pit Bull Law
It is illegal in Miami-Dade County to own or keep American Pit Bull Terriers, American Staffordshire Terriers, Staffordshire Bull Terriers, or any other dog that substantially conforms to any of these breeds' characteristics. For more information, view the Miami-Dade County ordinance, Chapter 5, Sec. 5-17. http://www.miamidade.gov/animals/pitbull-law.asp

Breed-Specific Legislation was enacted in many places all over the world targeting "bully-type dogs." By targeting the ownership of certain breeds, folks thought they could help reduce the violence caused by those breeds. The term pit bull is applied to many inter bred bully-type dogs. Is it fair to generalize and use the term "dangerous" on all breeds of pit bulls based on statistically documented violence? That's a question designed to make you think about yourself and your relationship with the person you are mentoring.

          Laws that target certain animals based on Breed-Specific Legislation are on the decline. People are beginning to examine the root causes of behaviors. Society has too often enacted legislation based on "knee-jerk reactions" to life altering events. Working together in collaboration is always the best practice to remove the cause with harmful effects.

"Building safer and more humane communities requires multifactorial approaches focusing on improved ownership and husbandry practices, better understanding of dog behavior, education of parents and children regarding safety around dogs, and consistent enforcement of dangerous dog/reckless owner ordinances in communities. National Canine Research Council. (2013). Causes and Prevention.                   Retrieved from: http://nationalcanineresearchcouncil.com/dogbites/causes-and-prevention/2 Patronek, G.J., Sacks, J.J., Delise, K.M., Cleary, D.V., & Marder, A.R. (2013). Co-occurrence of potentially preventable factors in 256 dog bite-related fatalities in the United States (2000-2009). Journal of the American Veterinary Medical Association, 243(12), 1726-1736.

           Another interesting study was done by the American Academy of Forensic Sciences. They found a correlation between vicious dogs and their owners. It seems many people with anti-social tendencies have a tendency to own dogs considered to be dangerous. The following information was taken from Wikipedia:

1. Keywords: 
2. forensic science; vicious dogs; dog owners; criminal thinking; forensic science; personality 

1. Abstract:  Every year over 885,000 dog bites require serious medical attention. Based on human injury and insurance claims, six dog breeds were designated as “vicious” (Akitas, Chows, Dobermans, Pit Bulls, Rottweilers, and Wolf-mixes). This study was conducted to expand on previous research examining antisocial tendencies and personality styles of people choosing to own vicious breeds. Seven hundred and fifty-four college students completed a questionnaire assessing type of dog owned, criminal thinking, callousness, personality, alcohol usage, and deviant lifestyle behaviors. Vicious dog owners reported significantly higher criminal thinking, entitlement, sentimentality, and superoptimism tendencies. Vicious dog owners were arrested, engaged in physical fights, and used marijuana significantly more than other dog owners. However, the homogeneous sample utilized could impact the generalizability of these findings. Choosing to own a vicious dog may be a “thin slice” indicator of more antisocial tendencies.Schenk, Allison M.; Ragatz, Laurie L.; Fremouw, William J. (2012). "Vicious Dogs Part 2: Criminal Thinking, Callousness, and Personality Styles of Their Owners". Journal of Forensic Sciences(American Academy of Forensic Sciences) 57 (1): 152–59.doi:10.1111/j.1556-4029.2011.01961.x.

          Let's go back and visit Miami and Dade County for another look at generalizations with roots embedded in knee-jerk reactions. Trayvon Martin was a young man in a hoodie who died at the hands of someone who thought he looked suspicious. There's many sides to that story including racial profiling and generalizations based upon race and clothing. Many folks including President Obama believe that creating new laws will help balance racial inequalities. Making new laws could have an impact. Maybe we need a law that would prohibit volunteer neighborhood watchmen from carrying a gun. This isn't an article about anybody's guilt or innocence. Nor is it an expose' on the tragedy surrounding the death of Trayvon Martin. This is an appeal for you as a mentor to look deeply into yourself and examine your motives for becoming a mentor. This is an appeal for you as a mentor to look for any profiling tendencies in your own character.
          George Zimmerman bought a gun because of several altercations with a pit bull. He was advised by an animal control officer to get a gun for protection instead of pepper spray. Nobody has blamed the pit bull for causing the death of Trayvon. George became a neighborhood watchman because of a string of robberies in his neighborhood allegedly committed by young African American men. It seems to me that Trayvon fit the profile of Zimmerman's preconceived suspicions. Trayvon could fit the profile of thousands of inner city young men all over this country; Basically good hearted young guys who sometimes make bad decisions based on their immaturity who need a mentor. Laws do protect people. Mentors help people grow more compassionate so they don't break laws.
          "Suspicious Minds" was a song made famous by Elvis Presley. If you have a suspicious mind regarding the behavior of the person you are mentoring, what are your suspicions based on? Is there evidence in their actions that suggests a reason for you to be suspicious?

"Be aware that a suspicious mind will manufacture suspicions and place them like labels on the hearts of other people. Something that never existed can manifest itself through suspicion." 

          I was a teenager at football camp during my sophomore in high school. I was in the restroom with a friend who was smoking a cigarette. I did not smoke at the time. My friend asked me to hold his cigarette while he washed his hands. The Coach walked in and saw me holding the cigarette. I was accused of breaking team policy and I was suspended. Nobody believed that I wasn't smoking. To teach those "know-it-all's" a lesson, I decided to start smoking. I smoked for about sixteen years after that. As a young man my decision making ability was impaired by immaturity. The suspicions of adults based upon generalizations had a hand in my bad decision. I do not blame them but I do see a better way as an adult mentor. All children are equal. All children deserve compassion. All children deserve a mentor.

MENTOR FORCE REFLECTIONS

1. Do you have any unhealed areas in your heart that you place on other people?
2. Are you a suspicious person?
3. How do these words fit into a description of your character: 

• love 
• joy 
• peace 
• patience 
• kindness 
• goodness 
• faithfulness 
• gentleness 
• self-control
• endurance
• perseverance
• compassion

The picture above is the cover of the book: "Wisdom From The Hood." 

The book may be found at: 
http://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-From-The-Hood-Lessons/dp/1492178039

Thanks for your time.
Go do something nice for somebody.

Bob Kuebler

Founder / Mentor Force

Mentor Force is an organization of initiators.
We help young people who are at risk of leading impoverished and violent lives.
We teach teachers, mentors, coaches, parents and youth leaders

how to build healthy relationships that make young people feel valued. 

Our goal is to ensure that every student has the benefit of being guided by a Mentor. 

If we can help you reach your potential as a Mentoring organization

please contact us:  716-830-8240 

 mentorforcebuffalo@gmail.com. 

www.youthwithapurpose.org

We are available for school assemblies and educator conferences.