The Mentor's Corset

An x-ray reveals the damage done from a corset. Transparency in revealing your flaws may help somebody.

          The corset has been used for many years to create an illusion of an acceptable body. There are a few other reasons for wearing a corset like spinal problems but they were primarily used to make the body of a woman appear more attractive. The corset could hide flaws and make curves. Today the corset has been mostly relegated to costume status. A Mentor has flaws, do you hide them from your Mentee?

           Transparency is a good trust builder. I once had a young lady ask: "How much about my life should I tell other people?" The answer is relative to the current circumstances and the depth of your current relationship. I believe that any part of my history that may help someone deal with their own problems is fair game. Compassion should dictate the depth of any personal revelation.

          Your goal in Mentoring is to help someone learn and grow. Nobody is flawless. Nobody has all the answers. If you try and make yourself look like a "goody two shoes" you might as well put on a Mentor's Corset. Your Mentee will recognize the corset and the fact that you are hiding flaws. You do not have to give a full blown history of all of your personal indiscretions or embarrassing history. People who do that are seeking for self glory anyway.  Be real, be transparent, be generous and compassionate, leave your corset home!

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Photo taken from: 
The Huffington Post  |  Posted: 05/22/2013 10:28 am EDT  |  Updated: 05/22/2013 10:28 am EDT
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/22/corset-pictures-xrays_n_3319362.html 

A MENTOR IS AN EDDY

    

A gang may appear as a safe eddy. A gang can give you a place of rest: you may end up resting in the grave or resting behind bars. Federal Court determines the amount of resting time for many alleged gang members.

  

 

Birds will rest in eddies.

          Character is like the ebb and flow of a river. The current changes at every bend of the river. Life is full of white water; rapids and turbulence are normal characteristics in the currents of a river. An eddy can be a place of rest in a wild river.

           Eddies in a river are circular whirlpools caused by obstacles in the river. A large rock can cause the water behind it to flow in a circular motion. As the water meets the obstacle, a reverse current is created as water flows on the sides of the obstacle. An eddy is generally a good place to rest as the swift current is interrupted.

CAUTION! Some eddies can be dangerous! In very powerful currents, an eddy may actually capsize your craft. The metaphor of a Mentoring Eddy is simply a Mentoring Metaphor. This is not a guide for safety on a river! A gang may appear as a safe eddy. A gang can give you a place of rest: you may end up resting in the grave or resting behind bars.

          As a Mentoring Eddy, you are providing a place in your heart where somebody can rest and feel safe knowing they can trust you. DO NOT BREAK THAT TRUST! The river of a young persons life has enough turbulence, a Mentor should not appear as more white water. Be committed to a long relationship that is rock solid and safe.

Authors Note: The term "eddy" has also been used as a degrading slang term. Sometimes young people will use the term referring to a special education student. Mockery is a powerful eddy that can capsize positive character development.

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Lemur Teeth

           Lemurs are know for their rapid dental development. They use their teeth in a variety of ways including grooming and debris removal as a matter of personal hygiene. They possess a "toothcomb" made up of  canine and incisor teeth that aids them in eating and grooming.

          Many children who have lived in impoverished and violent neighborhoods soak up their negative surroundings. Some teenagers do not even expect to live until they are 21 years old. The negativity of their lives becomes debris in their hearts. That debris of hopelessness can be removed.

          A Mentor has a responsibility as a "debris remover." Hope can be sown in a young persons heart. Start with your words - do you paint a positive road map of future opportunity? Do you help young people explore their own unique talents? Your role as a Mentor is to identify, nurture, protect and empower young people to use their talents to become self proficient and accountable members of society.

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 Information and pictures taken from:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemur

The Blue Footed Booby

        

            Conflict is for the birds! Most folks do not like conflict and yet it seems like conflict is the only way for growth to occur. In Mentoring, in families or in any other gathering of more than one person, conflict is normal and necessary. A bird called the blue footed booby has a conflict of a different color.

          The booby's conflict is not in the color of its feet. Although the bluer the feet are, the healthier the booby is. The conflict arises from the birth of young boobies. The birds lay eggs one at a time and several days apart. They will incubate the first egg causing it to hatch several days ahead of the other eggs. This gives the young booby who hatches first a head start in the growth process. Because it is stronger and more developed, it may cause harm or death to its younger sibling. Conflict may arise through scarcity of food. Siblicide occurs when the young booby kills its sibling.

          The booby parents have a conflict in raising their offspring during sibling conflict. This would be called "parent-offspring conflict." There are several ways in which the booby parents deal with conflict. They will build a steep sided nest that makes it harder for the stronger sibling to throw the weaker member out of the nest. They will also lay a second egg that is heavier than the first. The weight of this heavier booby baby may balance any disadvantages it may have of being lesser developed.

          As a Mentor, Teacher or a Parent, you will experience conflict. Preparation for conflict will help determine how much growth will occur from the experience. Some conflict should be avoided which may cause a conflict in itself. There is a key point in the conflict resolution process that is extremely important. Be aware of favoritism as viewed in the eyes of children who are not causing any current conflict. Parental investment seems to intensify during periods of conflict. In a classroom or small group, troublemakers consume energy and attention, pulling emotional resources away from other students. Those neglected students may erroneously view your conflict resolution efforts as favoritism.

          Balancing the moods of a group can be exhausting. The best solution to this problem is in having at least 2 Mentors in a group or 2 Parents in a family. When that is not possible, do your best to share some extra time with the child who is not currently causing any conflict. Use your time wisely and reinforce your appreciation for good behavior while not elevating that child in importance. Balance can be a conflict in itself. Find value in the knowledge that you are doing the best you can do in a very challenging situation. The families of blue footed boobies have been solving conflicts for many years and so will you.

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Authors Note: Information and pictures for this article were taken from:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue-footed_Booby

Encourage Peer Interaction

These young people are all part of a Talent Show. They helped and applauded each other as family - peer interaction at its finest!

          One of the greatest indicators of how well people will get along together as adults is how well they interact as children. All Mentoring programs should include time periods where peer interaction is fostered and encouraged. A Classroom Mentor (CM) should strive for interactive audience participation that combines life skills training with school curriculum.

          The best case scenario in Group Mentoring is to have Multiple Mentors in the group. In the classroom that will include the Teacher. A good Teacher will stay involved during the class. Teaching respect through interaction will help grow respect in children after they leave the classroom.
 

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Don't Raise Your Voice

       

           Every once in awhile you will have to deal with a discipline problem or simply unacceptable behavior. The easy way to assert authority is by raising your voice or yelling a command. Many behavioral infractions are just an attempt to be noticed. Children want attention and sometimes will resort to lousy behavior to get your attention.

          Yelling and screaming demonstrates a loss of control. A Mentor should not lose control. Raising your voice is abusing your authority from a position of control. The best techniques that I have seen have been demonstrated by Mentors and Teachers that children respect. They remain in control and firmly address the child who is misbehaving. They do this by reducing to a minimum the disruption caused to others and not making an example out of the badly behaving student.

          Set boundaries early in a relationship; including the expected behaviors and consequences of abusing those boundaries. Building healthy relationships includes developing acceptable conflict resolution techniques.

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A MENTOR IS ALWAYS A STUDENT

A mountain sunrise is new each day.

          A Mentor is a life long learner who passionately shares knowledge with a student. Life is a nonstop kaleidoscope of change. Attitudes, obstacles and opportunities change with each sunrise. A good Mentor is always seeking the cutting edge advantage for the folks whom they Mentor.

          Be the best Mentor that you can be. Develop an insatiable compassion for knowledge; study to show yourself approved.

          Create a safe place for your student to learn. Time and commitment are the doors to the place in your heart where trust is created. Study the times, places, habits, people, failures, fears, memories and dreams of the person you are Mentoring. GO - Study!

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A Mentor in Shining Armor

A knight in shining armor or a fruitcake in tinfoil?

          You might think that you are the "Mentor in Shining Armor" who's come to save the day. However inflated your ego might be, please temper your glee with a few bits of wisdom:

Nobody knows everything.
Nobody can be everything.

          Mentors should have a fairly extensive network consisting of other Mentoring organizations. Well rounded opportunities are presented through well rounded Mentoring. "Be prepared" (the Motto of a Mentoring organization) to "hand-off" your Mentee to someone who may be better equipped to serve your student as they progress. DO NOT HOLD BACK! Let go and support your student as they gain new opportunities in life. You do not own your mentee.

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AVOID LABELLING PEOPLE

      

Who am I on the inside?

          Once upon a minute there lived a boy who liked to help people. He was always helping the "down-and-outers." The kids that other people seemed to pick on became his friends. That made him a target for the "in-crowd." They labeled him a "sissy" because he hung out with "weaker kids."

         The label made him sad. He wanted to be accepted. He wanted to fit in. He wanted the taunting to stop. Then one day in his immaturity, he discovered how to make the taunting stop: he became one of "them." He joined in the taunting and labeling of the "weak kids." He laughed at his new found popularity. His old friends felt sad and betrayed. They had once called him their "hero" because he defended them. Now he was one of the "in-crowd labelers." He was now a popular bully and he could hide his low self esteem behind his labeling ways.

          Labeling begins early in life and continues throughout life. Using a label to describe someone (even in your thoughts) puts limitations on people. If you tell a child that they are learning disabled, they will wear that label well. Mentors need "fresh eyes" and a "fresh heart" with each new Mentee. Begin each new relationship with a clean slate and look for the best in everyone you meet.

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Golden Rule Mentoring

If you sow a destructive life style you will reap destroyed lives.

        

           Last week in a Buffalo School, we spoke to some students about "sowing and reaping." One student misunderstood the word sowing. She thought we meant sewing. We had to explain and spell the words sew, sewing, sow and sowing. Our educational opportunities were expanding, we love that part of Mentoring.

          A good Mentor is interested in the whole being of their student. Today we will be in Buffalo School #32 during Health Class. We will teach from the Health Textbook along with our Mentoring Life Lessons. We try and be open to any learning opportunities that just happen to appear along the Mentoring Road. If I was the student, I wouldn't want to miss any opportunity to learn something new. The Golden Rule is simply:

 "Do unto others as you would have then do unto you."

          Sowing and reaping could be a synonym for the Golden Rule. It's an absolute-universal principle that remains forever unchanging. Part of your thought process in preparation for your Mentoring session should include "role reversal." Ask yourself if you are giving what you would like to be receiving if the roles were reversed and you were the student.

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Redeem - Synonyms & Antonyms

 

 

I thought about the word redemption this morning. As a Mentor, the character that you're building in the heart of your student will be redeeming in nature. The word redeem is defined as: 

re·deem transitive verb \ri-ˈdēm\

: to make (something that is bad, unpleasant, etc.) better or more acceptable
: to exchange (something, such as a coupon or lottery ticket) for money, an award, etc.

: to buy back (something, such as a stock or bond)

 

Sometimes synonyms and antonyms can provide greater depth to a word study. Here are a few key points to consider in your Mentoring Relationship

 

Synonyms 

• Answer: When does your answer say: "I'm sorry?"

• Complete: Do you know how to finish?

• Comply: How do you deal with authority?

• Fill: Do you give more than is expected of you?

• Keep: Do you keep your word?

• Meet: Do you meet conflict or avoid it?

• Redeem: What does forgive mean?

• Satisfy: Are you satisfied when you are full and someone else is empty?

 

Antonyms 

• Default: Do you look for faults in other folks or work on redeeming your own faults?

• Disregard: Do you put the needs of others above your own concerns?

• Forget: Do you know what it means to be prepared?

• Ignore: Do you how to recognize dangerous people?

• Neglect: Do you take friends for granted?

• Overlook: Do you look for the best in everybody you meet?

• Overpass: Can you let go of pain in the past?

• Pass  Over: Can you avoid falling back into bad habits?

• Slight: Are there any small cracks in your character that you need to address immediately?
   
  Source:  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/redeem
  
  
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As A Man Mentoreth So Is He

         

          There is an old aphorism that says: "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." The book by James Allen; "As A Man Thinketh" is among my all time favorites. It's a great book for Mentors who want to learn about themselves. It's a great book for Mentees who want to learn about themselves. A Mentor should thoroughly examine themselves before attempting to Mentor somebody else.

         Most folks often misquote and misunderstand the meaning of the original passage which is taken from Proverbs 23:7. The original meaning was more about having wisdom when dealing with stingy people. They are only giving you their time and goods with an eye toward gaining something for themselves. They are not interested in friendship, they are interested solely in self gain at any cost.

"Do not become a Mentor unless your sole purpose is making a positive life impact that creates greater opportunities for another soul."

Here are some of my favorites from the Book: "As A Man Thinketh:"

• "Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves, they therefore remain bound."
• "Every action and feeling is preceded by a thought."
• "Right thinking begins with the words we say to ourselves."
• "Circumstance does not make the man, it reveals him to himself."
• "You cannot travel within and stand still without."
• As the physically weak man can make himself strong by careful and patient training, so the man of weak thoughts, can make them strong by exercising himself in right thinking."
• "Every man is where he is by the law of his being; the thoughts which he has built into his character have brought him there, and in the arrangement of his life there is no element of chance, but all is the result of a law which cannot err.

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Why Are You A Mentor?

         

Mountain Mentors climb the mountains of life.

     When you become a Mentor to someone, be prepared to explain to them why you want to Mentor them. It's not a good idea to take the attitude of superiority. Hopefully, compassion fueled by wisdom gleaned from life experience will birth in you the desire to help others.

          When you know why you are doing what you are doing, your role as a Mentor will define itself uniquely with each new relationship.

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Mentorology The Dedication

What you are about to read is the Dedication from a soon to be released book about Mentoring. The book is called: "Mentorology Volume One - Building a Mentorship." The book will be released in a few weeks and you may preorder a copy by sending your request to: ywapbuffalo@yahoo.com

  Dedication

I was standing in an airport yesterday when I had a sudden "thought burst" about the Dedication for this book. Sadly, I know many young men who are currently in jail. One of their names came to mind for the Dedication. I decided to dedicate this book to all of the young people who are currently in jail.

The word "vacation" is the term for jail time in the culture of "the hood." A prison sentence has become an acceptable part of life. Behind the concrete walls, barbed wire fences and steel bars there are young people devoid of hope. Some of these guys have not been in trouble for years but somehow they've "caught a case." Some are innocent; all of them hunger for hope. The longer they languish in a hopeless place, the more they become acclimated to hopelessness.

My wife and I are climbing the highpoints of all 50 Sates in America. Earlier this year I experienced altitude sickness on Mt. Humphrey's at 12,637'. A few days later, we reached the top of Wheeler Peak (13,161') after 2 separate attempts on successive days. All symptoms of altitude sickness were gone as my body became acclimatized to the higher altitudes. Back home in New York, we take young people from the inner city up to the Adirondack Mountains about 350 miles away from the hood. They learn perseverance in hiking to the top of a very formidable mountain. Most of them say it's the hardest thing they have ever done.

They guys in jail are climbing another type of mountain. It's a mountain of self esteem. Becoming acclimated to a prison culture can devalue a person. They derive value from protecting themselves; usually by hurting others. Redeeming human lives does not seem to be the goal in any of the prisons I've visited. Guards lose compassion through the abuse of hardened prisoners. Hopelessness robs human beings of esteem, empathy and compassion.

On of my best friends was a triple murderer who taught me a lot about redeeming human lives. Jerry Balone spent over 37 years in prison. It was a prison program that taught him that he did not have to be a thug and hurt other people before they hurt him. That's how he was raised in a very abusive environment. Abuse was the only life he knew. When he finally learned about respecting yourself and others, he understood and felt bad for what he had done. He became a changed man. I watched him as he spoke to school kids in Erie and Niagara Counties. Jerry was making a difference. He was providing hope.

This book on Mentoring is dedicated to those people in jail who need hope. The jail may be a personal prison or a set of bars. Hope is something that we all need. Hope is something that we can share. The concepts in this book are not rocket science, they are simply tools to help teach folks how to spread hope through our actions.

Thanks for your time. Go do something nice for somebody. Go give somebody hope.

Be Your Word

Many young people have listened to folks give their word and then not do their word. If you don't have time to Mentor somebody, don't say you will.

It's better to have said "no" 
than have said "yes" and then
 be a "no-show."

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Go do something nice for somebody.

Criticism

          
 

Positive words only - are spoken,

negative words make people feel broken.

          Criticism - positive or negative is as abundant as dirt. You get to decide whether you will be a seed who grows in the dirt. Both types of criticism require action - either acceptance or rejection.

           Positive or constructive criticism is designed to help you become a better person. Negative criticism is given by an insecure person and is intended to spread insecurity.

             Examine your acceptance of criticism and understand it thoroughly before you give criticism. Are you helping someone grow into a better human being or are you spreading your own unhealed self criticism?

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Struggling is OK

         A man once helped a butterfly free itself from its cocoon. He pulled away the cocoon and let the imprisoned butterfly go free. The butterfly was unable to fly. The struggle was the key to its ability to fly freely. The struggle forced fluid into the butterfly's wings enabling it to fly.

These girls at YWAP Camp had some struggles and some smiles!

          Do not feel bad about allowing somebody to struggle. Struggling is strengthening - a process that we sometimes need to do ourselves.

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Go do something nice for somebody.